But, later during the show, they again requested the kids, but this time for the mutton scramble, and Gadget and I heard it. He begged and begged, but there was no way I was going to let my kid be trampled by a miniature bull… But then, I realized it was a baby sheep this time, and sheep are so soft and cuddly, and much safer than a calf. And we were at the rodeo. In Fort Worth. With open minds. So I hopped a few seats and we climbed over a row or two and I ran with him to the gates. The kids were so excited to be in the ring, so I just had to sit back and relax. When the sheep was released, he was quickly caught by some of the older kids, thank God. That night I scrubbed clean every crevice on Gadget before putting him to bed.

Here is the video. Please excuse the jumpiness and blurriness. In fact, just jump to twenty seconds in.

I explained, and he understood, that there are certain privileges in life that come with potty training. He sat on the toilet and waited and then pushed, and it was wonderful. And he followed it up today by going pee-pee on the toilet at school. I’m so proud of him and thankful to Ikea.

Once in the lobby, the boys ran straight to decorated tree with wrapped presents underneath. They inquired about the gifts, and then began to run in circles, literally. We arrived at church just before dinner, so they boys were hungry as service came to an end. The Lion even found a tray of Eucharist and took it upon himself to have a snack. I grabbed the body out of his mouth and handed it to Hubby.

As service ended, a wonderful older woman approached us who was also sitting in the lobby during service, and she shared the following. She told us that we had normal, healthy boys. This comment resonated with me. It was truly special and meaningful. She had three boys, and she had been where we were. So many times I look at other folks’ kids who are not running around, and I think, what is wrong with me? What’s wrong with my kids? Why can’t I be a perfect parent? But in reality, this idyllic perfect parent is just a myth.

Recently, I had begun to feel like I was leaning more towards inadequacy, rather than success. I made up my mind I was going to buy some parenting books, and set a plan in place. Saturday evening, after church, we went to Mardel’s Christian Bookstore and I picked up the Five Languages of Children. As we walked around the store, we saw Christian and educational tools we will use the decorate the boys’ playroom. I am excited to have a plan in place, as long as God is directing its path. Funny story, Gadget keeps asking if it’s Christmas yet. When I asked him what he thought Christmas was about, he clearly stating, “getting toys.” I am learning that his response does not mean that I am a failure as a parent, rather, I can continue to grow to be a faithful parent.

Leslie Leyland Fields writes about The Myth of the Perfect Parent on ChristianityToday.com. She writes about seeking advice, and feeling inadequate. She talks about some parents being obsessed with successful parenting; how we avoid the “slacker mom” title, but in doing so, we drive ourselves crazy with anxiety. We induce a parent panic because we think our children will be failures. Failures in school, with their relationships, their families, their bodies, their careers… We desire for our kids to be spiritual champions – no, spiritual giants. I think that because I nearly exclusively breastfeed my children for six months that I am a good mom- that’s what a perfect and successful mom does, right? Yes, this what I did for them, but I have so much to learn about what it means to be a faithful mom.

From Fields’ article,

One writer warns mothers that they must watch all they say and do, because their child’s mind, “like a videotape recorder,” is “carefully transcribing every word, right down to the tone of voice and facial expression.” To up the stakes further, he cautions that a child’s mind and “emotional patterns” may be firmly established by the time he is 2, a “sobering realization for mothers,” he intones.

Am I the perfect parent? No. I will parent imperfectly.

The question we ask of ourselves must be reframed. We need to quit asking, “Am I parenting successfully?” And we most certainly need to quit asking, “Are others parenting successfully?” Instead, we need to ask, “Am I parenting faithfully?” Faithfulness, after all, is God’s highest requirement for us.

The Bible says that perfection is of God, its what we have in Christ, His perfection is our standard, as saints we’re commanded to aim at it, but we should not claim it. The Bible adds, perfection is impossible of attaining to, patience leads to it, and we should pray for it. In conclusion:

We are not sovereign over our children—only God is. Children are not tomatoes to stake out or mules to train, nor are they numbers to plug into an equation. They are full human beings wondrously and fearfully made. Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and, above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God’s grace, our children grow up to become.

I have been trying not to get my hopes up with this child, but last night I had a dream that I cannot shake off. I dreamt that this little bonnet in the oven was our first girl, and she arrived in this world complication free. We were actually at home, and after she come out, I was able to get up and walk around! Talk about a dream! Immediately, I was full with nourishment and nursed her. Why would I dream that? Now, I am so excited about that possibility coming true, but… I don’t have symptoms #1 through #9, so I don’t know what to feel.

I have anticipation for being pregnant again, and I was a bit reluctant to celebrate, but after this dream I want it. I want it bad. I want to feel a baby swirling inside of me. I want the intimacy of my baby always being with me, growing in me, and feeling me. I want an infant, a cute little infant. The biggest joy of my dream was that I had a little girl. I had a mini me. I was soooo joyful in that dream. And now I wonder, was it just a dream? Or will this be my reality in September?

What do I do? Do I bombard the nearest lab and take HCG test after test monitoring my hormones. I think back to our last miscarriage. The pregnancy started out symptom free. So much so, I didn’t realize I was pregnant until my belly button started popping at eight weeks (I was still nursing eight month old Gadget at the time). This fifth pregnancy mirrors our second miscarriage so much how can I proceed on hope, when my body speaks loss to me so clearly.

I went to Target the other day and walked through the baby section. I looked for the purple dress I was going to dress my first daughter in (yes purple, never pink), and I almost bought a cute little something. But then I put it back, because imagine the heartache staring at it after yet another miscarriage. A third miscarriage. Are these really becoming common place in my life? Loss, baby, loss, baby, loss… I don’t like that trend.

Living in limbo is hard. You would think seeing the words “pregnant” on the screen would be enough for celebration. Whooaaaaaa! I gotta pause for just one second. I just heard myself. I just heard the doubt wringing off of those words. I believe the scripture says, Hope is the evidence of things unseen. I have absolutely no evidence this pregnancy will progress healthily. I don’t know what God’s plan is for this child. I don’t know if chromosomal abnormalities exist, and God took her life yesterday in a week or two, but I have been charged to believe God’s word and to live it. Right now, I am walking in faith that this baby will grow inside of me for forty weeks and arrive on this earth as a healthy and beautiful daughter. Period.

For one, Gadget has three best friends “NoahJerenAndCharlie.” It’s one word to him. He speaks about these boys as if they were quadruplets separated at birth. I asked him if he plays with Caitlin, and he clearly told me, “No, she’s a girl.” LOL! My son! We are going to have to find a group environment for Gadget in which to continue his development. When he started preschool, the ABC’s where a challenge, but today he can (pretty much) sing the entire song by himself. I am so proud of him!

Reason two is that I’m not sure how Gadget is going to get the learning activity without a structured environment. The ABC’s are just one example. I have been singing that to him since he was born, and he only caught on at daycare. There are so many things he comes home talking about, and I’m not sure I have the energy to lay out a lesson plan for home.

Oh, but on the other side. The list of reasons for a nanny is so long and has so much depth the decision was easy for me. A nanny is cheaper than daycare especially with the added cost of all the healthcare deductibles for sick baby visits. As my blogging friend, Denene, says describes “the mental, emotional, and physical gymnastics of it all.” She was really talking about marriage, but managing a household with two young children is a huge part of marriage right now for me.

But like I said, there are a billion reasons on the other side of the list. Some mornings I hear myself yelling at Gadget because he’s not getting dressed quickly enough. One parent reminded me that it’s not his fault that I have to go to work, so don’t take it out on him. I feel worn out before I even reach to work. The few days the car was in the shop and we had back-up in-home care, it was like I was in heaven. I just woke up, got dressed and went to work. No looking for four socks, dressing little people that don’t want to be dressed, and negotiating with a three year-old that he should sit on the potty.

On Monday mornings I look like a bag lady. I have diapers and wipes for the Lion, clean sheets and blankets, two lunches and sometimes back-up clothes if they were soiled during the previous week. Then, some days, having to go grocery shopping with the boys is the final stab. As if I hadn’t exhausted all my energy running around the daycare trying to convince the Lion to put on his jacket.

Basically, I am super stoked to be going back to Marina Poppins. The stress and anxiety will significantly decrease. Oh, and did I mention that I found my dream job?! Between getting a nanny and finding my dream job (in the midst of the process right now, I’ll let you know if it works out!) I am in bliss mode. I am truly excited for this next phase of our lives, one where I am rested and calm when I arrive to work.

My posting has been light because I am in the thick of it now, and I haven’t had the energy to finish any of these posts that I started weeks ago. I have about twenty posts, halfway finished. I saw my pageviews were kinda high today, which motivated me to finally finish this post. Thanks for coming back around even though the content has been slim.

I checked email, facebook, twitter, two blogs and played two games of Airline Conqueror (I got a high score of 194!) while flushing the system. I washed my hands, and hopped into the shower. After bathing, I flossed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on deodorant, lotion and aloe vera on my face. I removed my scarf and brushed my hair and then got dressed. I only tried on two outfits before going with jeans, a cream scoop neck and a green tweed jacket.

I opened the stroller, placed the pre-packed lunch bags into a huge reusable Whole Foods bag, put two frozen blueberry waffles into a plastic sandwich bag, put two fruit and yogurt twists and two apple juice boxes into the bag for the boys’ breakfast.

At 6:59 I headed into the boys’ room and climbed into bed with Gadget. He opened his eyes and said he was cold and put his arms and legs over mine. He asked me to tell him the story from the movie (Up) so I repeated an abbreviated version of the storyline and asked him if he needed to go potty. “Nope.” I told him I had a surprise, and that we were going to the dentist today, yay!!

I compromised and asked him to come brush his teeth and wash his hands (which were covered in green from coloring the Christmas card he received from his grandpa Earl). The Lion woke up and started screaming because no one was in the room. I came in and he demanded I picked up his binky off the floor. I picked him up out of the crib and let him crawl underneath to find it.

Joshua joined us in the bathroom and we brushed teeth, oiled and combed hair. Unfortunately, I started this post last Friday, and now since I can barely remember what happened this morning, I will have to substitute the rest of Friday’s morning hustle with today’s.

Sometime last night, Gadget crawled into our bed, so this morning I gathered his preschool clothes and tried to dress him as much as possible while he was still asleep. I was super glad I found matching socks for both boys! I went back into the boys’ room and dressed the Lion (who thank God did not have poopy diaper). We put on jackets, shoes, and hats. I strapped the Lion in the stroller, threw some green toys into our big WF bag (today is green show and tell day), and headed for the elevator. We made it out the house!!!!!