3 Arrows in Our Quiver?

Written in January: I found out almost two weeks ago that I’m pregnant with Victor baby number three, but I don’t feel pregnant. Now, I know, I know, the experts say every pregnancy is different, but this is my fifth pregnancy. I have a little bit of experience with what pregnancy feels like in this one body that I have. On the top ten list of symptoms, I really only have item number ten, a positive pregnancy test. I am troubled and concerned by this because the last two times I felt this way it ended in miscarriage.


I have been trying not to get my hopes up with this child, but last night I had a dream that I cannot shake off. I dreamt that this little bonnet in the oven was our first girl, and she arrived in this world complication free. We were actually at home, and after she come out, I was able to get up and walk around! Talk about a dream! Immediately, I was full with nourishment and nursed her. Why would I dream that? Now, I am so excited about that possibility coming true, but… I don’t have symptoms #1 through #9, so I don’t know what to feel.


I have anticipation for being pregnant again, and I was a bit reluctant to celebrate, but after this dream I want it. I want it bad. I want to feel a baby swirling inside of me. I want the intimacy of my baby always being with me, growing in me, and feeling me. I want an infant, a cute little infant. The biggest joy of my dream was that I had a little girl. I had a mini me. I was soooo joyful in that dream. And now I wonder, was it just a dream? Or will this be my reality in September?


What do I do? Do I bombard the nearest lab and take HCG test after test monitoring my hormones. I think back to our last miscarriage. The pregnancy started out symptom free. So much so, I didn’t realize I was pregnant until my belly button started popping at eight weeks (I was still nursing eight month old Gadget at the time). This fifth pregnancy mirrors our second miscarriage so much how can I proceed on hope, when my body speaks loss to me so clearly.


I went to Target the other day and walked through the baby section. I looked for the purple dress I was going to dress my first daughter in (yes purple, never pink), and I almost bought a cute little something. But then I put it back, because imagine the heartache staring at it after yet another miscarriage. A third miscarriage. Are these really becoming common place in my life? Loss, baby, loss, baby, loss… I don’t like that trend.


Living in limbo is hard. You would think seeing the words “pregnant” on the screen would be enough for celebration. Whooaaaaaa! I gotta pause for just one second. I just heard myself. I just heard the doubt wringing off of those words. I believe the scripture says, Hope is the evidence of things unseen. I have absolutely no evidence this pregnancy will progress healthily. I don’t know what God’s plan is for this child. I don’t know if chromosomal abnormalities exist, and God took her life yesterday in a week or two, but I have been charged to believe God’s word and to live it. Right now, I am walking in faith that this baby will grow inside of me for forty weeks and arrive on this earth as a healthy and beautiful daughter. Period.

March 5th, 2010 • Baby #3, Children, Family Planning, Fatherhood, Motherhood, Pregnancy, Wife.

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My Hat Goes Off

To all the working mothers out there with children in daycare, whoa! My hat goes off to you. Today, I respectfully, bow out. Today we gave the daycare thirty day notice. We are going back to our wonderful, blessed nanny. There were multiple factors which lead us to the conclusion that a nanny was in fact absolutely necessary during this stage of our lives, but even so, there were still some reasons tugging at me to continue with daycare.


For one, Gadget has three best friends “NoahJerenAndCharlie.” It’s one word to him. He speaks about these boys as if they were quadruplets separated at birth. I asked him if he plays with Caitlin, and he clearly told me, “No, she’s a girl.” LOL! My son! We are going to have to find a group environment for Gadget in which to continue his development. When he started preschool, the ABC’s where a challenge, but today he can (pretty much) sing the entire song by himself. I am so proud of him!


Reason two is that I’m not sure how Gadget is going to get the learning activity without a structured environment. The ABC’s are just one example. I have been singing that to him since he was born, and he only caught on at daycare. There are so many things he comes home talking about, and I’m not sure I have the energy to lay out a lesson plan for home.


Oh, but on the other side. The list of reasons for a nanny is so long and has so much depth the decision was easy for me. A nanny is cheaper than daycare especially with the added cost of all the healthcare deductibles for sick baby visits. As my blogging friend, Denene, says describes “the mental, emotional, and physical gymnastics of it all.” She was really talking about marriage, but managing a household with two young children is a huge part of marriage right now for me.


But like I said, there are a billion reasons on the other side of the list. Some mornings I hear myself yelling at Gadget because he’s not getting dressed quickly enough. One parent reminded me that it’s not his fault that I have to go to work, so don’t take it out on him. I feel worn out before I even reach to work. The few days the car was in the shop and we had back-up in-home care, it was like I was in heaven. I just woke up, got dressed and went to work. No looking for four socks, dressing little people that don’t want to be dressed, and negotiating with a three year-old that he should sit on the potty.


On Monday mornings I look like a bag lady. I have diapers and wipes for the Lion, clean sheets and blankets, two lunches and sometimes back-up clothes if they were soiled during the previous week. Then, some days, having to go grocery shopping with the boys is the final stab. As if I hadn’t exhausted all my energy running around the daycare trying to convince the Lion to put on his jacket.


Basically, I am super stoked to be going back to Marina Poppins. The stress and anxiety will significantly decrease. Oh, and did I mention that I found my dream job?! Between getting a nanny and finding my dream job (in the midst of the process right now, I’ll let you know if it works out!) I am in bliss mode. I am truly excited for this next phase of our lives, one where I am rested and calm when I arrive to work.


My posting has been light because I am in the thick of it now, and I haven’t had the energy to finish any of these posts that I started weeks ago. I have about twenty posts, halfway finished. I saw my pageviews were kinda high today, which motivated me to finally finish this post. Thanks for coming back around even though the content has been slim.

February 11th, 2010 • Motherhood.

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Morning Hustle

I am well into a groove now. This morning was a textbook execution of the morning hustle. I awoke at 5:55AM and got out of bed the first time iPhone alarm went off. No snooze button, no iPhoning in the bed, straight into the bathroom.


I checked email, facebook, twitter, two blogs and played two games of Airline Conqueror (I got a high score of 194!) while flushing the system. I washed my hands, and hopped into the shower. After bathing, I flossed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on deoderant, lotion and aloe vera on my face. I removed my scarf and brushed my hair and then got dressed. I only tried on two outfits before going with jeans, a cream scoop neck and a green tweed jacket.


I opened the stroller, placed the pre-packed lunch bags into a huge reusable Whole Foods bag, put two frozen blueberry waffles into a plastic sandwich bag, put two fruit and yogurt twists and two apple juice boxes into the bag for the boys’ breakfast.


At 6:59 I headed into the boys’ room and climbed into bed with Amari. He opened his eyes and said he was cold and put his arms and legs over mine. He asked me to tell him the story from the movie (Up) so I repeated an abbreviated version of the storyline and asked him if he needed to go potty. “Nope.” I told him I had a surprise, and that we were going to the dentist today, yay!!


I compromised and asked him to come brush his teeth and wash his hands (which were covered in green from coloring the Christmas card he received from his grandpa Earl). Joshy woke up and started screaming because no one was in the room. I came in and he demanded I picked up his binky off the floor. I picked him up out of the crib and let him crawl underneath to find it.


Joshua joined us in the bathroom and we brushed teeth, oiled and combed hair. Unfortunately, I started this post last Friday, and now since I can barely remember what happened this morning, I will have to substitute the rest of Friday’s morning hustle with today’s.


Sometime last night, Amari crawled into our bed, so this morning I gathered his preschool clothes and tried to dress him as much as possible while he was still asleep. I was super glad I found matching socks for both boys! I went back into the boys’ room and dressed Joshy (who thank God did not have poopy diaper). We put on jackets, shoes, and hats. I strapped Joshy in the stroller, threw some green toys into our big WF bag (today is green show and tell day), and headed for the elevator. We made it out the house!!!!!

December 15th, 2009 • Gadget, Motherhood, Wife.

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Thoughts on Baby #3

Whenever we’re out and about and folks see the boys in the double stroller we are frequently asked if they are twins. The first time it happened it baffled me because they are nearly two years apart. I thought, one of them is clearly an infant and the other one can walk and talk, sooo… But after the second, third and forty sixth time, we have come to expect it. The next ensuing question is usually, ‘Are you gonna try for the girl?’


I love this question! No, I do not love this question. I am kidding. This is such a loaded question. In so many ways. My response is usually a smile and “we’ll see!” But, the honest answer is that we would love to have a third child. We are only children, and we came into this marriage expecting to share our lives with five or six little ones, so with two kids we’re just getting started.


We have two prerequisites for bringing another child into our lives. The first is that we have the time for a third little one running around. When I was traveling with the boys, I couldn’t fathom traveling with yet one more person clinging, crying or running around. Some evenings when I come home, all I want to do is wrestle with the boys and give hugs and kisses. Other nights, I want to put on my headphones and watch my hulu queue. There is a balance that exists right now, and that would be thrown out of wack if we added another person into the mix. One of hubby’s associates told us that going from 2 to 3 is nothing compared to going from 1 to 2. Ha! Aside the from the time it would take to nurture and care for a little baby, we would have to make some serious logistical changes, and this is where requirement number two comes in.


We desire to have the financial independence and security for a third child. This means upgrading to a three row vehicle, and figuring out the infancy, daycare, preschool shuttle run that would take place in the morning. We would love for our children to receive full scholarships to college, but if they don’t, we would like to be in a place to pay for college for them. Besides those two small things, we’re all set! Kinda.


We would have to examine this from an emotional perspective. Some days I can’t wait to be pregnant again. It’s so exciting and awesome to carry your own child. The intimacy formed during pregnancy is so intense and fulfilling, the urge has started to come around again. Some days I think about the side effects, the weight gain and labor, when I am just getting back down to the tummy size I desire. I also think about how crazy it would be at times, and then imagine on top of that four more relationships. Yes, four more. Baby to me, baby to hubby, baby to Amari and baby to Joshua. That’s a lot of relationships in one household, and they would all put pressure on the existing relationships and require us (me and hubby) to nurture and build the new ones to be just as strong as the existing.


In the end, I still read pregnancy magazines. I still look at awe when I set baby bumps out and about. I refuse to give away the boys’ baby clothes. I’m waiting in anticipation for us to figure out the timing for the next one.

December 1st, 2009 • Children, Family Planning, Motherhood.

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Pumping Buddies

I was totally spoiled at NYU. There was this single sized, carpeted locker room on fourth floor with a window, a cushiony chair, a bench for my pump, an outlet, and it locked from the inside. It was available pretty much whenever I wanted, because no one else was exclusively breastfeeding an infant while in their second year of business school.


At noon I would head up to the locker room and text Evelyn. She was my pumping buddy. I think every woman should have a pumping buddy. We would tell each other we were headed to pump and send each other messages throughout the day. This was huge for me! At NYU, business school kept moving whether I was at events or not, and it was so easy to feel like I was being left behind. At noon corporate presentations were being held, CEO’s were speaking at Lunch n Learns, or my girlfriends were going to Chipotle for a chicken burrito: all things I was missing because I had to pump.


Well, with my pumping buddy I was not alone. I had someone who understood how labor intensive pumping is. How you have to clean and pack and prepare for each meal you save when you’re away from your baby. My pumping buddy understood what a sacrifice it took to pump daily, but we also understood the reward – that when we returned home, we had milk enough to snuggle with our boys and nourish them from our bodies. The coolest thing was that we were pumping at exactly the same time. I knew that right at that moment, some hundreds of miles away in Chicago, someone else was pumping and thinking of their babies just like me.


Some days I was excited to pump only because Evelyn sent me a text message that she was going to pump. Some days it was motivation, because I knew that she was pumping for two, and that if she, as a first time mom could do it, I could definitely do it. Some days she would text and I wouldn’t reply because I was going later. Some days I would text, and she had pumped before me. But most days, we were in sync, supporting each other. I honestly believe I would have given up months sooner without Evelyn. I don’t think she understood how instrumental she was during the first weeks of pumping. She had been doing it all summer for her premie boys, but in September 2008 when school started, it was the first time I used the pump since Amari was 9 months old. I had savored in the freedom of nursing Joshua wherever I went. Something I had not had the confidence to do with Amari.


Evelyn, thank you. I did it with you.


November 6th, 2009 • 2 Years 2 Kids 2 MBAs, Breastfeeding, Motherhood, NYU Stern, The Lion, Wife.

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