Quiet on the Front | spelhouseLove

Quiet on the Front

I have had so many things to say, but are they appropriate for a public blog? I could write about how the Lion is becoming fluent in the English language (clearly articulating words like orange, mari, night night, more…), or about Gadget’s last day of daycare, or about our wonderful Marina Poppins beginning today, or a host of things going on in our lives. But that’s not what I want to write about.

Everyday I log onto my admin panel, and begin a post about my real thoughts. And then I think, what if so and so reads this? And it’s not so much that I would mind, as is it, other people may mind, and I think about them. How do I write honestly and candidly if I’m writing in circles? I marvel at other bloggers who type the emotions going through them, and those words appear in the world wide web, permanently, publicly.

I want to write about the conference calls I’ve had with with my parents over the past month. Some have been good and some have been bad, but at the end of the day we are talking about our emotions. We are having conversations that we’ve never had, about thoughts and emotions that have been held in for so long they’ve poisoned us. Spending ten days with my parents this Christmas created the opportunity for this door to open. I never believed I would be able to share at this level, at this time in my life, but God has opened that door.

I harbored a lot of negative perceptions about my childhood, even though I lived an upper-middle class life. When I had good news, I always ran to one parent, and not the other. There was a reason for that, we just had a better relationship. There was honesty, and trust, and it was a two-way street. I never knew that other people had a different type of relationship with that parent, until I got older. I would hear people talk about conversations and events in their lives, and I had a completely different point of view. I had a different experience.

I could never say that I wanted that “ideal” relationship either, because it wasn’t possible with the way we were created. Now, as an adult, as a mom, as a person with clearly defined life goals, I don’t have regrets about my relationship with my parents. I have learnings, that I will make darn sure to implement, or not implement, with my own children. I have opinions about parenting that have formed into what they are because of my experiences with my parents during childhood.

It’s so difficult to write about our progress and communication, when I wonder about if their friends will read this. What if my parent’s boost about my blog to their employers, and then I write about how stinky our relationship is. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about the things I didn’t like about my parents, really. How would I feel if Gadget or the Lion criticized our relationship? Well, I would be okay with that. They are entitled to their own opinions, but I don’t get the feeling both of my parents feel that way.

I want to share all the details about what made me upset, and the progress I saw and what I learned, but what if?…. Actually, I don’t think both of them read this, just one. I could probably write it all, but what if?…

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6 Responses to “Quiet on the Front”

  1. Liz says:

    Jolawn,
    someone asked once why there are no “mommybloggers” who have teenage children. This answer is obvious to me: because teenage children can read our blogs! I was blown away one day when my stepdaughter commented on one of my blog posts… my mind literally went “ABORT ABORT! REMOVE ALL REFERENCES OF HER DAD SAYING THE WORD ‘BOOBS.” It never occurred to me that she’d care enough to read my blog, but I know that she does, or she might, and I think it would be unfair for her to see herself- at least, herself in a light that I think is unflattering – in print as fodder for my readers. (All five of them.)

    It’s a very hard line to walk. On the one hand, I think the best bloggers – or the ones I enjoy, anyway – are the ones who are honest in their writing, which often involves sharing that which can be hard to share. But on the other … there are boundaries, and there is respect for things that others would prefer to remain private. Once you have written it, and it has been read, you can’t really take it back.

    But also: it is your blog, to do with as you please. If you feel that what you are writing is fair – both to yourself and the subjects, then…it’s fair. I think the line is somewhere between what it would cost you to hit “publish,” and what you would gain through the process of sharing your thoughts, and inviting communion into what you’re going through.

    It’s hard though. I understand where you are. There is lots I’d love to share, (um, I just spent the weekend on my husband’s ex-wife’s couch. If there isn’t a blog post there then I just simply do not know what the internet is for) but I don’t know how to do justice to the need to process and the need to be respectful. UGH!

  2. Thanks for the perspective. Of course I haven’t even considered that: when my children can read my blog. hmmm, def understand the lack of teenager mommy blogs. I still would love to hear about that weekend with ex…

  3. Liz says:

    Oh, lots to say about my relationship with my other in laws – which is what I consider my husband’s ex wife and her husband. Truly, our lives are so intertwined (due to the joint raising of a child) that they are just as close as in laws! I will have to think of a way to blog-express it that shows the proper amount of respect, but also the proper amount of hilarity, because, I mean: come on.

  4. Liz says:

    Ok, also, sorry to SPAM up your comments here, but I had another thought:

    I think it will be great when your kids can read your blog. I think it is amazingly beneficial for children to have chance to get to know their parents outside the default “Mom” mode. I think it is so all consuming to go through the act of parenting day in/day out that one can forget to let their kids see who they are. One blogger I read wrote that she didn’t want her kids to be surprised by the things her friends thought about her … she wanted her kids to know about her sense of humor, her passion for bad TV, her desire for road trips.

    Anyway, after I got over the initial shock of my stepdaughter commenting on my blog, I got happy that she had another outlet from which to get to know me. I hope someday to have the same for her.

  5. Danni says:

    This is tricky for me, because I have recently taken down my blog and am not using my pseudoname for awhile until I can figure it all out. My concerns were more of the work variety, but I did worry that my in-laws would see me complain about their , uhm let’s say eccentricity from time to time. I mean I love them, but I did relish returning to the States and my home after our visits.

    I think your blog is honest and especially relevant for someone like me who is trying to figure out how to start my family as we both complete our graduate degree. I think your kids would be proud of their Mommy’s honesty. As for the parents, I think this may be the forum to be honest with them (even if limited). If those conversations can’t happen face-to-face then maybe this could be the vehicle???

  6. Do a lot of your colleagues read your site? What do you want to write about that you don’t want them to read? I can understand that feeling. There are several things I have been holding back until the time is right, though.

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Hi. I live in North Texas with God, my man, my boys, and a sweet baby girl.
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