I have had so many things to say, but are they appropriate for a public blog? I could write about how the Lion is becoming fluent in the English language (clearly articulating words like orange, mari, night night, more…), or about Gadget’s last day of daycare, or about our wonderful Marina Poppins beginning today, or a host of things going on in our lives. But that’s not what I want to write about.
Everyday I log onto my admin panel, and begin a post about my real thoughts. And then I think, what if so and so reads this? And it’s not so much that I would mind, as is it, other people may mind, and I think about them. How do I write honestly and candidly if I’m writing in circles? I marvel at other bloggers who type the emotions going through them, and those words appear in the world wide web, permanently, publicly.
I want to write about the conference calls I’ve had with with my parents over the past month. Some have been good and some have been bad, but at the end of the day we are talking about our emotions. We are having conversations that we’ve never had, about thoughts and emotions that have been held in for so long they’ve poisoned us. Spending ten days with my parents this Christmas created the opportunity for this door to open. I never believed I would be able to share at this level, at this time in my life, but God has opened that door.
I harbored a lot of negative perceptions about my childhood, even though I lived an upper-middle class life. When I had good news, I always ran to one parent, and not the other. There was a reason for that, we just had a better relationship. There was honesty, and trust, and it was a two-way street. I never knew that other people had a different type of relationship with that parent, until I got older. I would hear people talk about conversations and events in their lives, and I had a completely different point of view. I had a different experience.
I could never say that I wanted that “ideal” relationship either, because it wasn’t possible with the way we were created. Now, as an adult, as a mom, as a person with clearly defined life goals, I don’t have regrets about my relationship with my parents. I have learnings, that I will make darn sure to implement, or not implement, with my own children. I have opinions about parenting that have formed into what they are because of my experiences with my parents during childhood.
It’s so difficult to write about our progress and communication, when I wonder about if their friends will read this. What if my parent’s boost about my blog to their employers, and then I write about how stinky our relationship is. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about the things I didn’t like about my parents, really. How would I feel if Gadget or the Lion criticized our relationship? Well, I would be okay with that. They are entitled to their own opinions, but I don’t get the feeling both of my parents feel that way.
I want to share all the details about what made me upset, and the progress I saw and what I learned, but what if?…. Actually, I don’t think both of them read this, just one. I could probably write it all, but what if?…